House of Noobs Rap

[Felix Patterson, spoken interlude]

Eight contestants

All share a household

Where drama is sure to unfold

There will be dramatic blondes,

Hippie stoner couples,

Ambiguous midgets,

Middle-aged redheads,

Recently divorced oldies,

And insufficient ballers

Only one will retrieve the million

Who will win "House of Noobs"?

[Gully Kleenex]

Welcome to the house, my name is Gully

Me and Fern here came in to win fully

We won't take no flying [shit] from no bullies

Take a chance, leave our morals, and hopefully

Become the next millionaire or millionairess

We could buy a tub full of [weed] or go to Paris

My troubles started with my jerk father, named Harris

A drunken idiot deemed to careless

For a mother of five, like mine

She didn't have time for a hippie who liked wine

More than one of us kids, you and I

They divorced, then my moron daddy said "bye"

After that, I swore heavenward

That I wouldn't go backward in time

I heard about the show, I'm on board and I'm

Ready for Fern and I to find wealth we deserve

This Ouija board will not conquer me

No ghosts from my past are gonna alter me

I grab a hold of Fern's hand, heart full of glee

To make this ride, more satisfying,

Join me and shout "wheee"

[Fern]

My origins were about as blissful as Gully's

My parents shunned me, turned me down, neglectfully

I refuse to join the game revengefully

I accept the fact that I must work, soulfully

But this game didn't have to be about

Encounters of the worst kind, a lout

Named Marcella Smith, who I tried to deal with

But she was so despicable and always miffed

For some reason she wanted us to go to hell and piss off

She got suspended, reentered, then lift off

Almost time to start competitions

Time to start wars

It was time for her to stop being self-absorbed

Before I punched her, tore her drawers

And sent her through a portal to the Azores

Until she did it to Stephanie White

It was unjust, quite, and not right

But I said bye to my plight

And because of the fight,

She took a flight,

She was suspended and I mended myself

Filled with might

And I decided that there's no not winning this game

I saw happiness for Gully and I when Felix

Said my name